Spitting the dummy

I've definitely got grumpier as I spend an increasing amount of time trying to teach a 10 and 12 year-old to act like, well 10 and 12 year-olds instead of 5 year-olds. But then something comes along to remind me that even adults can descend into behaviour more befitting those who wear nappies.

I am of course referring to the Pakistani cricket team and the ball-tampering affair that ended with England being awarded the fourth test after Pakistan refused to come out and play after tea. Although I am not a huge admirer of the umpires in this test, the laws of cricket are quite clear in that:

The Umpires shall be the sole judges of fair and unfair play.

So if the umps decide the ball has been tampered with, and (in accordance with the laws of the game) decide to replace it and award 5 runs to the batting side, as much as you might be infuriated with the decision, you have to live with it and get on with the game.

But oh no. Pakistan decide to express their indignance by refusing to play after the tea interval. Oops. Big mistake. Umpire Hair, not exactly known for his love and admiration of subcontinent cricketers, would no doubt not need a second invitation to invoke another one of the laws of cricket, which states:

A match shall be lost by a side which ... in the opinion of the umpires refuses to play and the umpires shall award the match to the other side.

(Note the importance of the words "in the opinion of the umpires")

Now Inzy (Pakistan captain) is not exactly known for his knowledge of the laws of the game. I will never forget his ignorance in not claiming the extra half-hour as Pakistan were strolling to victory against NZ a couple of years ago with the weather forecast for the following (and final) day not that flash. Fortunately for him, the rain stayed away long enough for the winning of the game to be completed.

So when he realised he'd fkd up, he got his team out onto the field, about 50 minutes after the scheduled resumption of play. Too late buddy. Game over, and the umps were already on the plane, or in the bar, or in the case of Umpire Doctrove, probably to an optometrist's appointment judging by his performance in this game.

Now there may be some who feel an ounce of sympathy for the Pakistanis dealing with yet another allegation of "cheating" and it is not known whether the ball was actually doctored or not. But the important point is it is the umpire's opinion that counts, and you have to accept it, just as players have to accept decisions relating to the loss of a wicket or a declined appeal.

If you've just been branded a cheat by the umpires, there's a couple of options:

a) the baby way; throw the toys out of the cot and refuse to play, or
b) the adult way; get on with the game, make your case that the umpire was wrong and get your administrators to make sure the biased wanker never umpires another test again (see, I told you I'm no fan of Mr Hair)

So Pakistan deserve no sympathy at all. In fact, IF they hadn't tampered with the ball, they've just blown an opportunity to get rid of one of the more questionable umpires in cricket - idiots.