O'ING: The Best of Maptalk 1
I've struggled to get into work mode today - always takes a while to wake up after watching a late night cricket game (and how I love those Aussie cricketers - they've started at about $2.20 for both one dayers so far). So a cursory romp through the old threads on maptalk gave me an idea to occasionally post some of the more mildly amusing comments on this blog. Some of the contributions to maptalk deserve to be recorded for posterity. I haven't gone through them all yet, but I have enough to get started.
The trash-talking that sometimes appears was started by none other than Brent Edwards:
Posted: 6 November 2000, 10:44 AM
Due to Neils poor results in the last several meetings it is my understanding that he is considering giving up orienteering. In my view this is a good thing, there is a certan standanrd that New Zealand Orienteers set themselves and I'm afraid Neil falls well below these standrds. I have heard a rumour that the NZOF will be discussing the pros and cons of baning Neil from all badge events until he can show them that he has any ability at all! Basically I have the understanding that Neil needs to prove himself to the New Zealand Orienteering popoulation ASAP. What better way to this that at the summer series Park events. He has allready proven that he has the ability to lose these races, now it is a question of if he can ever beat Fraser again. I personally doubt it.
Posted: 9 November 2000, 9:58 AM
Frasor, I'm afraid that your calculations are in error. In the first summer series event at the Domain Brent the Champ Edwards came home in second placing. This gives me a total of Hmm 4 points. On the second event Brent the Champ Edwards came home in fourth placing. This gave him another 2 points. If my calculations do not fail me this gives Brent the champ Edwards a total oh hmmm 4+2=6 which puts him in an anascalable lead. In your summer series report you have given me the total sum of a feebilish 5 points. This is sadly in error as it puts me in second equal place with the likes of Dave the hole in the wall Stuart, Fraser the inhanced performer Mills and Rob back from Europe Jessop. I suggest Fraser that you ammend your error without delay before you get accused of "fiddleing the books" (I know this will be a change for you as you are normally accused of fiddleing with something much smaller). If you think that you have a chance at beating me by fiddleing then then I suggest that you bring out an oversized biscuit.
It's a pity Brent can't spell; but I think his lack of education actually adds to the quaint charms of his postings - you know, an intelligent mind trapped inside a semi-intelligent body. More examples of Brent's semi-literary and illiterate wit will again appear one day.
I found one of the more creative contributors (when he was not comparing Orienteering to rugby), was Dave Barr, sadly lost to the sport and Orienteering's loss has been Speight's gain. Oh well. I suspect the following was alcohol-induced after listening to Eminem too many times but it reads well even in the cold sober light of day:
Two mahoenui girls go round the outside; round the outside, round the outside
Two mahoenui girls go round the outside; round the outside, round the outside
Guess who's back Back again Rayney's back Tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back..
He created a monster
Nobody ever sees neil no more
They want rayney he’s chopped liver.
Well if you want rayney then this what he’ll give ya.
A national dns chopped up in a file shredder.
Some coruba that'll jump start his suby quicker
than a knock when he got knocked at the wailing bongo
by the proctor when he was being a drongo
When crossed the line like henry olongo (hey!!)
You waited this long, now stop debating
Cause he’s back, he’s a snag and he’s masturbating
I know that you got a job there rayney
but enrons money problem's complicating
So the SFO won't let him go
or let him show, at champs of O
so he didn’t go to tekapo
But it felt so empty when he didn’t show
So, come on and dip, rum on your lips
---- that, --- on your rack, account for some tax
get ready, this shit's about to get heavy
enron settling on it’s lawsuits, ---- YOU JAMIE!
Now this looks like a job for neil
So everybody, just follow neil
Cause we need someone to keep it real
Cause it feels so empty, without neil
I said this looks like a job for neil
So everybody, just follow neil
where should I put this orange peel
Cause it feels so empty, without neil
Little Rayney, he’s going insane he’s
working so hard it’s driving him crazy
He’s feelin like a prisoner long gone
'til someone comes along on a mission yelling ENRON!!!
A visionary, vision of o-league
Could fart a revolution, pollutin the airwaves
not a rebel, so just let him revel and rant
about his prized possession nike rip-off pants
And it's a disaster, such a castastrophe
for rayney to be the subject of my poetry
Hairy back, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Fix your damn subaru tune it up and then he’s gonna
enter in, in the back of your heels like a blister
The center of attention, back for the winter
he's interesting, the best thing since wrestling
Investing in your kid's ears and nesting
Testing, attention please
Feel the tension, as soon as you mention money
give him ten cents, and soon he’ll be
in the bank, banking, saving pennies
a-tisket a-tasket, he’ll go tit for tat with
anybody who's talkin this shit, that shit
rob garden, you can get your ass kicked
he‘s a pool hall ace he thinks the police said
And Jamie? You tried dissin rayney
You twenty-two year old baldheaded fag, dissed him
said you’d beat him, he’s too slow, let go
It's over, if you’re going to DNF don’t go!
Now let's go, just gimme the signal
he’ll be there with a whole bag full of ripped clothes
Not on dope, suspected of using his own tool
ever since Rob C turned into an old fool
But sometimes his shirts just seem
like they were bought in ‘83
So this must mean the’re ripped and torn
But he just says, there quite well worn
No he’s not the first king of waikato uni
he is the worst thing since goodoldandy
to use black sayings selfishly
though they make him sound moronic really (Hey!!)
There's a concept that works
Twenty million other white rayney’s emerge
Has anyone seen my fishing reel
It'll feels so empty without neil.
Finally, in light of the current debate around the introduction of Micr-O to next year's WOC, here were a couple of ideas to improve our sport that sadly did not make it past the conceptual stage:
AndrewT
Posted: 9 November 2001, 4:47 PM
(the subject is supposed to say Who thinks Orienteering needs more (insert anything here) ) Who thinks that Orienteering needs more DRUM AND BASS?! I do! At the start we need big 18" speakers pumping out the 6 beeps (along with plenty of subbass and synth stabs) when you start! When ever you punch your sportIdent card, a massive bassdrop should crank, followed by some rough amen breaks...and at the finish, there needs to be a DJ, playing some light breaks so you can warm down. Come on the O Massive, lets get this new trend going, and NOW!!
bendover
Posted: 12 November 2001, 6:09 AM
i think that orienteering needs more porn. instead of start officcials, theres just a load of playboy bunnies in thongs getting rammed by men with mustaches called jungle stud and jake snake. then each ident unit is artfully sculpted as female genitalia (on the mens course) and on the womens course a chocolate starfish. instead of a beep, a variety of groans and whiplash sounds are available. every race is sponsored by 'Whiplash Trash' online web store, with prizes of john holmes blow up dolls for winners and blow up sheep for first new-zealanders. australian men are automatically disqualified for being bastards. Female entry is restricted to scandinavian countries, and every runner is subject to strict vital statistics contols before being allowed to run. all in all, orienteering will benefit from the worldwide media interest and the spin off merchandise deals, including a series of videos - 'bushy ditch', 'crossing the dyke', 'wet pit', 'slippery marsh', 'love in lycra', 'frasers festival of fun'. i will be submitting these reccomendations to the IOF along with the Drum and Bass ideas. Together we can make things happen. Its time for a change. please
The trash-talking that sometimes appears was started by none other than Brent Edwards:
Posted: 6 November 2000, 10:44 AM
Due to Neils poor results in the last several meetings it is my understanding that he is considering giving up orienteering. In my view this is a good thing, there is a certan standanrd that New Zealand Orienteers set themselves and I'm afraid Neil falls well below these standrds. I have heard a rumour that the NZOF will be discussing the pros and cons of baning Neil from all badge events until he can show them that he has any ability at all! Basically I have the understanding that Neil needs to prove himself to the New Zealand Orienteering popoulation ASAP. What better way to this that at the summer series Park events. He has allready proven that he has the ability to lose these races, now it is a question of if he can ever beat Fraser again. I personally doubt it.
Posted: 9 November 2000, 9:58 AM
Frasor, I'm afraid that your calculations are in error. In the first summer series event at the Domain Brent the Champ Edwards came home in second placing. This gives me a total of Hmm 4 points. On the second event Brent the Champ Edwards came home in fourth placing. This gave him another 2 points. If my calculations do not fail me this gives Brent the champ Edwards a total oh hmmm 4+2=6 which puts him in an anascalable lead. In your summer series report you have given me the total sum of a feebilish 5 points. This is sadly in error as it puts me in second equal place with the likes of Dave the hole in the wall Stuart, Fraser the inhanced performer Mills and Rob back from Europe Jessop. I suggest Fraser that you ammend your error without delay before you get accused of "fiddleing the books" (I know this will be a change for you as you are normally accused of fiddleing with something much smaller). If you think that you have a chance at beating me by fiddleing then then I suggest that you bring out an oversized biscuit.
It's a pity Brent can't spell; but I think his lack of education actually adds to the quaint charms of his postings - you know, an intelligent mind trapped inside a semi-intelligent body. More examples of Brent's semi-literary and illiterate wit will again appear one day.
I found one of the more creative contributors (when he was not comparing Orienteering to rugby), was Dave Barr, sadly lost to the sport and Orienteering's loss has been Speight's gain. Oh well. I suspect the following was alcohol-induced after listening to Eminem too many times but it reads well even in the cold sober light of day:
Two mahoenui girls go round the outside; round the outside, round the outside
Two mahoenui girls go round the outside; round the outside, round the outside
Guess who's back Back again Rayney's back Tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back..
He created a monster
Nobody ever sees neil no more
They want rayney he’s chopped liver.
Well if you want rayney then this what he’ll give ya.
A national dns chopped up in a file shredder.
Some coruba that'll jump start his suby quicker
than a knock when he got knocked at the wailing bongo
by the proctor when he was being a drongo
When crossed the line like henry olongo (hey!!)
You waited this long, now stop debating
Cause he’s back, he’s a snag and he’s masturbating
I know that you got a job there rayney
but enrons money problem's complicating
So the SFO won't let him go
or let him show, at champs of O
so he didn’t go to tekapo
But it felt so empty when he didn’t show
So, come on and dip, rum on your lips
---- that, --- on your rack, account for some tax
get ready, this shit's about to get heavy
enron settling on it’s lawsuits, ---- YOU JAMIE!
Now this looks like a job for neil
So everybody, just follow neil
Cause we need someone to keep it real
Cause it feels so empty, without neil
I said this looks like a job for neil
So everybody, just follow neil
where should I put this orange peel
Cause it feels so empty, without neil
Little Rayney, he’s going insane he’s
working so hard it’s driving him crazy
He’s feelin like a prisoner long gone
'til someone comes along on a mission yelling ENRON!!!
A visionary, vision of o-league
Could fart a revolution, pollutin the airwaves
not a rebel, so just let him revel and rant
about his prized possession nike rip-off pants
And it's a disaster, such a castastrophe
for rayney to be the subject of my poetry
Hairy back, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Fix your damn subaru tune it up and then he’s gonna
enter in, in the back of your heels like a blister
The center of attention, back for the winter
he's interesting, the best thing since wrestling
Investing in your kid's ears and nesting
Testing, attention please
Feel the tension, as soon as you mention money
give him ten cents, and soon he’ll be
in the bank, banking, saving pennies
a-tisket a-tasket, he’ll go tit for tat with
anybody who's talkin this shit, that shit
rob garden, you can get your ass kicked
he‘s a pool hall ace he thinks the police said
And Jamie? You tried dissin rayney
You twenty-two year old baldheaded fag, dissed him
said you’d beat him, he’s too slow, let go
It's over, if you’re going to DNF don’t go!
Now let's go, just gimme the signal
he’ll be there with a whole bag full of ripped clothes
Not on dope, suspected of using his own tool
ever since Rob C turned into an old fool
But sometimes his shirts just seem
like they were bought in ‘83
So this must mean the’re ripped and torn
But he just says, there quite well worn
No he’s not the first king of waikato uni
he is the worst thing since goodoldandy
to use black sayings selfishly
though they make him sound moronic really (Hey!!)
There's a concept that works
Twenty million other white rayney’s emerge
Has anyone seen my fishing reel
It'll feels so empty without neil.
Finally, in light of the current debate around the introduction of Micr-O to next year's WOC, here were a couple of ideas to improve our sport that sadly did not make it past the conceptual stage:
AndrewT
Posted: 9 November 2001, 4:47 PM
(the subject is supposed to say Who thinks Orienteering needs more (insert anything here) ) Who thinks that Orienteering needs more DRUM AND BASS?! I do! At the start we need big 18" speakers pumping out the 6 beeps (along with plenty of subbass and synth stabs) when you start! When ever you punch your sportIdent card, a massive bassdrop should crank, followed by some rough amen breaks...and at the finish, there needs to be a DJ, playing some light breaks so you can warm down. Come on the O Massive, lets get this new trend going, and NOW!!
bendover
Posted: 12 November 2001, 6:09 AM
i think that orienteering needs more porn. instead of start officcials, theres just a load of playboy bunnies in thongs getting rammed by men with mustaches called jungle stud and jake snake. then each ident unit is artfully sculpted as female genitalia (on the mens course) and on the womens course a chocolate starfish. instead of a beep, a variety of groans and whiplash sounds are available. every race is sponsored by 'Whiplash Trash' online web store, with prizes of john holmes blow up dolls for winners and blow up sheep for first new-zealanders. australian men are automatically disqualified for being bastards. Female entry is restricted to scandinavian countries, and every runner is subject to strict vital statistics contols before being allowed to run. all in all, orienteering will benefit from the worldwide media interest and the spin off merchandise deals, including a series of videos - 'bushy ditch', 'crossing the dyke', 'wet pit', 'slippery marsh', 'love in lycra', 'frasers festival of fun'. i will be submitting these reccomendations to the IOF along with the Drum and Bass ideas. Together we can make things happen. Its time for a change. please
Labels: orienteering
posted by Rob Crawford at 10:55 AM
1 Comments:
Yeah, that's some priceless shit!!
FM
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