Shooting Up

OK, after yesterday's morose post it's time to get back to feeling good. And there hasn't been a better feelgood story for a while that compares to Iraq's soccer (sorry, football) win at the Asian Cup.

For a country that is having its problems, isn't it nice to see a few of their young men concentrating on kicking a ball than their fellow man. Yes, sport at times has the ablity to transcend the problems of the world and can make us forget, if only momentarily, mankind's path to self-destruction.

Nah just kidding (sort of) about the self-destruction bit. But I've always thought Earth would be a better planet if we used sport rather than guns to sort out our differences. I mean, if Uncle Sam wants to shove democracy down the throat of the Iraqis, sort it out on the football pitch. If the good ol' USA is the role model that we all must follow, then surely they can beat a rag-tag bunch that have spent the last 10 years hiding under the bed from the torturous threats of Uday Hussein.

Had this been applied over the years I'm sure the only weapons of mass destruction we'd have to worry about would be John Holmes at a public orgy. Instead of bombing pubs, the Irish could have just sent over Hurricane Higgins to whup Steve Davis' arse over a snooker table. World War 2? Adolf Hitler v Jesse Owens down the 100m. OK OK a bit one-sided but it would have saved 6 years of hell and a few hundred thousand lives.

But let's get back to the Iraqi footballers. There's a few things we can learn from this mob. One, is how to celebrate victorious sporting teams. Now I do feel a little sorry for the 4 dead and 17 injured but taking to the streets shooting guns seems a more appropriate way to celebrate sporting achievement than a boring ticker tape parade down Queen St. Especially if, as I assert, we use sport rather than war to settle our differences. The marksman amongst us need some excuse to show off their talent if they can't do it on the battlefield.

I'm also especially pleased to see the Iraqi people have learnt the first rule of democracy - namely to ignore whatever your politicians say. Apparently, "celebratory gunfire" was banned after the Iraqis won but like good democratic citizens, the masses gave the rulers the bird and shot off their guns anyway.

So the unmistakable joy emanating from the Iraqi people has got me thinking: how can we Kiwis appropriately celebrate the forthcoming success of our beloved All Blacks at the Rugby World Cup? Ticker-tape parades and shooting guns are out - we need something original. Something to do after we've all shaved off our beards (explanation here). Suggestions welcome.

P.S. If anyone wants to know the supplier of the chill pills I took yesterday, drop me a line. It's good shit.